It was late one fall in Procurementland,
And the air had quite a chill.
Against the moon a Chief Procurement Officer sat,
In his office with time to kill.
He was tall and thin with a bat bow tie;
Chief Skellington was his name.
He was mad and tired in Procurementland -
And his customers were quite a pain.
"I'm sick of the requests for sole sources, It’s not right!
I'm tired of being asked to do illegal things, Boy, what a fight!
I'm bored with leering at policies that don’t work,
And I’m tired of feeling like I’m an unreasonable jerk.”
I don't like these procedures, and I need something new.
There must be more to life than doing what I do!
Then out of thin air, with a curl and a twist,
Came a flimsy little document surrounded by a spectral mist.
It was an emergency, but with very few pages,
And everything was all caps and in red, Wow – Amazing!
It was almost five o’clock and the sender was unclear,
But the CPO hardly noticed, as quitting time was quite near.
He took just a few minutes to review for, Saturday was the next day,
The Chief looked for the quotes and insurance, but there was nothing. He was filled with dismay.
Then he leaned back in his chair, he had an idea,
He was tired of the stress, the back-and-forth, he had always been clear,
But not one person was listening and the holidays were near!
Not twenty minutes later, he had reached a decision -
He would go ahead and sign it and attach the emergency definition.
He looked at the request, completely in awe,
His gaze transfixed on the emergency law.
He was sure that he would finally be understood, but he had a slight sense of worry,
The Chief signed his name clearly and stepped out of his door to a white, windy flurry.
He didn't know it, but he'd signed away his career,
The Chief went shopping that night in a fit of Christmas cheer.
Immersed in the holiday joy, he was no longer haunted.
He had finally found the feeling he wanted.
And so that his team wouldn’t think him a liar,
He practiced his speech just in case
Anyone tried to hold his feet to the fire.
He would say to everyone, that the customer said he needed it now,
And then so sure of himself, the Chief would take a bow.
He was right to sign off and hang them all out to dry,
And he would enjoy Christmas Day and all the stuff he could buy.
He picked up everything that sparkled or glowed.
He didn’t care whether the prices were high or low.
He grabbed it all and went home to his wife,
He enjoyed the money afforded by his procurement life.
Back at the office, a real snowstorm was brewing
The Mayor stared at the signed document – what was the Chief doing?
But, she relied on the Chief and so she briskly signed off,
Then the council approved it and then the finance assistant cut the check – what did she care…
The Finance Director was in Florida playing golf!
The contractor received a big fat check just in time,
He provided bonuses to his workers and it was sublime!
The customer and the contractor actually went out for drinks,
Their plan had worked almost perfectly.
A few residents asked what the emergency had been…
They wanted to know just when it was fixed,
No one answered the calls for they were out on vacation
Surely it could wait, it was almost the 25th!!!
Well on Christmas Eve, while the Chief was in his PJ’s
There was a knock at his door which he happily answered,
There were police officers on his porch and they looked quite perturbed
They read him his rights, he couldn’t believe what he heard!
The emergency was a ruse… a fraud… and illegal, well, he knew!
But it was late in his office, and he didn’t know what to do.
He attached the ordinance, wasn’t that enough?
Apparently not, he was in handcuffs!
As everyone (the Mayor, the Council, and Finance) celebrated on Christmas Day
Opening gifts with their families – they were free,
Poor Chief Skellington sat quietly in jail wondering…
Why did I sign off on that emergency… ?
It was late one fall in Procurementland,
And the air had quite a chill.
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